It’s 8:50am on a rainy, cold October Wednesday on North Harvard St right in front of the stadium.  I’ve chosen to bike to work, despite the rain, because I don’t want to be stuck in traffic on a soggy, stuffy bus with a bunch of unhappy people.  So I’m already in a not so great mood when I see a car stopped in the bike lane.  There’s a biker a few paces ahead of me who has stopped behind the car and is fumbling in her pockets.  The car in the bike lane starts to pull away as the biker pulls a phone from her pocket and takes a photo of the car’s licence plate.  What she plans to do with this, I’m not sure.  Gonna send that photo to the police and expect them to lift a finger?  Meanwhile, I’m stuck behind a car in the bike lane and a girl taking a photo of the car in the bike lane and all I want is to get off of the rainy streets and to work on time.

So, thanks to the both of you douchebikers, for making my commute just a little more wet, soggy, and stupid.

Oh and if I ever see a person doing this I will not hesitate to remove them from their bike and beat them with their fucking plaid bumbershoot.  

Although I have been known to wear a trash bag dress from time to time.

It’s 11am on an oddly humid September Sunday.  I leave my house to go walk down to the corner cafe for a delicious and life sustaining iced coffee.  As I walk sleepily down the front stairs and onto the sidewalk, rubbing my eyes, I nearly get run over by a girl riding her bike, helmet-less, down the sidewalk talking on her cellphone through one of those ear attachment thingies.  She’s all like “whoooooaoaahhhoo!” and swerves around me without even an apology, barely interrupting her lame story to her friend about some dude named “Charlie.”

On my way back from the cafe, eyes a little more open this time, I hear the distinct sound of one of those street drummer bucket playing dudes in the distance.  What is strange is that it sounds like it’s coming closer.  I turn my head in the direction of the noise and it’s some bearded scruffy horn rimmed glasses dude with a plastic bucket attached to his handlebars drumming away with a pair of dirty sticks, leaving a not so faint scent of patchouli oil and b.o. in his wake.  I shake my head in silence.  

When I get back into my house I put the coffee in the fridge and go back to bed, hoping it was all just a terrible dream that I’ll wake up from.  

After reading this very thorough report on bike safety: 

http://www.mhd.state.ma.us/downloads/trafficMgmt/09TopCrashLocationsRpt.pdf

I just wanted to say thank you for taking bike and pedestrian safety so seriously, MA.  

I can’t help but wonder if they maybe did this one on purpose?

It’s 4:30pm on a Friday.  In the span of distance between my work and my house I’ve: been cut off by a girl riding a crappy dirt bike on the sidewalk that suddenly felt like she had to cross the road directly into me, been cut off by three cars trying to turn left onto Storrow Drive against the light, been cut off by some asshole cab driver who blew past me only to cut directly in front of me and stop to let people out in the bike lane, been nearly squashed by two girls in a black sedan who didn’t bother to look behind them or use their directional signal whilst turning into a parking space, almost gotten doored by an old lady, almost had a head-on collision with a drunk homeless dude who wandered into the bike lane, and almost was run down by a rogue UPS truck going way too fast down Oxford St.  

The amount of douchebikery that has gone on in just these 20 minutes, in a distance of only 2.5 miles, has left me feeling like maybe the general public is actually trying to kill me.  There’s really no other explanation.  They all want me dead.  How else could all of that stuff happened?  I mean seriously… it’s like they are all brain dead out there… like they are all just zombies driving around in a “Holy crap it’s the weekend! Let’s go drink until we are so drunk we forget that we have to go back to work on Monday! TGIF!!!” haze.  Maybe the zombie apocalypse happened while I was at work and I just didn’t notice.  That drunk homeless dude was looking pretty undead for sure.  

If anyone needs me I’ll be inside my locked apartment, under my covers, with a baseball bat, shivering…

It’s 7:45 on Boylston St headed towards Fenway Park.  Two sisters (that’d be me and my sis) are biking to the Sox game.  Suddenly we are surrounded on all sides by pedicabs.  There’s nowhere to go but straight so we stay the course.  Meanwhile these crazy pedicab drivers are weaving in and out of traffic and swerving dangerously into oncoming traffic all whilst screaming and ringing bells and in general making a serious ruckus.  My sis and I finally make it to Fenway, but not after almost getting run down by these crazy freaks hauling old people and lazy groups of high heeled women through the busy pre-game streets.  How the hell these dudes a) convinced someone to give them a job as a pedicab driver, b) convinced anyone to get in said pedicab, and c) managed to smell that badly, is beyond me.  

Douchebiker of the Week award goes to: Boston Pedicab Drivers

Trust me, this is the cleanest looking pedicab driver in all of Boston.  The rest of them sort of resemble that gross dude from the Spin Doctors.  Actually he’s probably not even a pedicab driver.  I bet he’s a model.  Still, despite his cheerful pointing, muscular legs and perfect hair, neither one of his passengers have smiles on their faces… further proof that pedicabs are an abomination that everyone should avoid.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Sox won 18 to 6.

I am in no way a bike snob, nor am I in anyway a bike hater.  This blog is an equal opportunity employer.  Meaning that no one is safe from the clutches of my disgust.  Whether you are a biker, a driver or a pedestrian, if you act like a douche on or near a bike and I happen to be witness to your douchebikery… chances are you’ll make an appearance here.

Hey check it out… the Cambridge Police issued this notice reminding people of its commitment to bike safety.  

http://www2.cambridgema.gov/CityOfCambridge_Content/documents/PressRelease_RoadwaySafety_FINAL.pdf

Wow… real helpful guys.  Thanks for all the signs and pamphlets.  It’s too bad a pamphlet isn’t going to save my ass when some douche in a truck tries to run me down.  And like, when was the last time you read a pamphlet after getting a ticket?  I think the most time anyone is going to invest in a pamphlet of this nature is the time they spend ripping it up into a hundred pieces whilst cursing violently.  

Here’s a list of all the bike laws of Cambridge as well as areas you are prohibited from riding your bike on the sidewalk.  

http://www2.cambridgema.gov/CPD/CommRes/bicycles.cfm

Harvard Square??? Really??? You mean I’m not allowed to ride my bike on the sidewalk of the busiest streets in Cambridge?  But how will I get to the new fro-yo place in time to meet my friends??  I guess I better call them while I’m biking to let them know to save time! 

Sigh… it’s too bad all you douchebikers/douchedrivers out there will probably not even read this.  Also, be sure to watch the instructional video for some serious mullet action.  I can’t tell if that’s a woman or a man… and I sort of like it.

It’s 8:45am on JFK st coming out of Harvard Square.  (I’m starting to think that this blog should be entirely about this one intersection because of the striking amount of douchebikery that goes on there.) I’m in the bike lane going a fast pace because I have plenty of green light to go and oddly no cars next to me.  As I enter into the intersection, this douche in a giant Ford in the oncoming lane cuts me off to go left.  As I flip him the bird, the lady behind him accelerates to follow.  She has to screech to a stop to avoid hitting me.  Normally I’d shake my head and keep going, but since I had an audience of pedestrians at the crosswalk and I am obviously in the right next to this complete douche, I stop and shout “What? Are you fucking late??? How much time would murdering me have saved you?” I get laughter and applause from the group of pedestrians, but my legs are still shaking.  

It’s 11:45am on Elliot St in Harvard Square.  It’s a rare occasion because I’m in a car picking up a catering order for work.  We are trying to turn on to JFK and despite the fact that the light is green, we aren’t moving.  We realize why when suddenly a girl riding her bike the wrong way up our side of the street pedals past.  Sorry girl, but that helmet isn’t going to save you from getting squashed by oncoming traffic.  A few moments later a guy is seen riding his bike on the sidewalk the wrong way as well, swerving around pedestrians giving him the nastiest looks ever. Then, later in our drive, we spot a dude skateboarding the wrong way in the bike lane next to Harvard Stadium.  Guess it’s going to be a very douchebikery sort of day.  Be careful out there, everyone.

It’s 12:20pm on Brighton Ave in Allston.  An old man is seen riding a bike on the sidewalk, sans helmet.  He approaches a busy bus stop littered with women pushing gigantic SUV style baby strollers back and forth to sooth their tiny screamy companions and somehow gets all huffy when he can’t get by and has to hop off and walk his bike.  Now, I hate gigantic SUV style baby strollers almost as much as I hate actual SUVs but I sense douchebikery afoot.  I don’t know what the rules were in your day, Old Man McDouchebiker.  Perhaps in olden times you could don a cap, perch yourself atop a shiny cycle and take a merry ride into town upon the cobblestone pass, gently waving to each passerby whilst pausing hither and yon to catch the scent of a well placed garden flower, but this is the 21st century, pops.  You aren’t allowed to get huffy with people when they are doing exactly what they are supposed to be doing, even if what they are doing gets in your way.